you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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