she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize