Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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