I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
