theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
