hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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