i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
