Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
