Whod you bang
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
