quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize