If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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