i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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