i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think we might need a safe word for this...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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