if you like me you must not know who I am
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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