Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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