i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
