Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
time to smoke my breakfast
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
