all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
