I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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