I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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