Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
