I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
