I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if only i could text you this smell
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize