so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
