somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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