I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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