just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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