He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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