since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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