I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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