im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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