I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Randomize
