Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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