i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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