You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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