Moan for me like Helen Keller
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
