ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
