I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
