Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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