you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
