think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
