genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize