Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
