I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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