I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
