you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
