probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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