just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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