sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
