just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
