I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
