god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
