You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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