Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
