just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
