I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
