I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
