Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
