She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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