I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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