I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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