bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
