My sheets look like a crime scene.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
