I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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