Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
